Remember, kids, he listens to them all so that you don't have to.
In performance order, then...
Kyle Allesandro goes for the quiet-loud-quiet trick and never quite pulls it off, coming away with an unremarkable three minute piece of power Europop that doesn’t know where its going. Lot of fire on stage, too. I hope he’s done the necessary risk assessments. Won’t be nul points for Norway, but it’s bottom five, you fancy, particularly with a coffin draw in trap 1 to contend with. Next.
Laura Thorn is nobody’s puppet, as you’ll hear when she sings La Poupee Monte Le Son, a little ditty that includes the words 'New Instruction Manual' in the lyrics, so fair play for that. It’s a strangely familiar old-style Eurovision tune brought into the modern day, and she sings this pop melody well. Loses some clothing at halfway, again reminiscent of Eurovisions of yesteryear.
Tommy Cash, surely a lost Fast Show character, performs his number, Espresso Macchiato, in front of the 'Winners Cafe' – geddit? And it does indeed appear to be an ode to his favourite coffee, so it does what it says on the tin. The song? All over the shop, going from pop to music hall to comedy rap in under three minutes. Terrible, despite Tommy’s rubber hips. Going third isn’t helping, either.
A New Day Will Rise is the message delivered by Yuval Raphael and leaving the politics aside, this is a powerful, piano-driven melody that she sings very well. It’s a little downbeat overall, if you’re being picky, but as a well-crafted melody, there’s no doubts on that score. It’ll do well with voters at home, regardless of what reception she gets on the night, and after Estonia this will sound like a blessed relief.
Some Lithuanian shoegaze for you now, courtesy of Katarsis, a young four-piece that come over all mean and moody. It takes a minute to warm up but once into stride, it’s an indie crash-banger that will corner the angst vote without too much fuss. Lithuania inevitably finish somewhere mid-table when they make the final, and this could creep into the top 10.
Spain, one of the big five (which means they don’t have to qualify) go with power and with Melody (that’s her name, rather than her style) who delivers a three-minute piece of yer standard Europop called Esa Diva. Inevitably, maracas. Won’t trouble the judge(s).
A change of style from Ukraine, who go for a simple male soloist in Ziferblat, whose Bird Of Pray (and that’s the way it’s spelt, don’t blame me) chugs along nicely enough. He struggled a little with the high notes in first rehearsals, and this isn’t the easiest number to sing. Could pick some points up if he nails it on the night.
Sam Ryder’s runner-up spot with Spaceman in 2022 reminded us that Europe doesn’t totally hate us, but that lasted 12 whole months before Mae Muller limped in 25th in 2023 and Olly Alexander a mid-table 15th last year. Remember Monday’s What The Hell Just Happened? is a perfectly neat piece of power-pop that’s swirls and swings, but it doesn’t stand out, and I fear we’re heading towards a relegation play-off again. Which is a shame, as this is by no means one of the worst songs on show Saturday night.
JJ’s Wasted Love has been one of the favourites for this and rightly so. A beautifully crafted ballad, almost operatic at times with the notes he reaches, it’s 'a Group horse in a field of handicappers' (that quote from Vicki, my work partner, who had the good fortune to hear these tunes with me). The drop in the final minute as the song reaches its crescendo is unexpected but somehow works. It’s a belter that will score well with both the judges and public. Every chance.
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